15 posts tagged “search”
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And the talkative man said,
Its not so bad if you don't know if something is right or wrong.
However not the same can be said about something,
which you know for sure is right, although it aint.
Why don't you go there if you want to?
Well, I don't go there because.... I want to.
And there was a soldier,
Only wars can teach you to appreciate peace.
Not of not is ...NOT not.
Just like a story that is simple but not easy to narrate.
A life that is simple is not easy to live.
Later..
.
Hmm.
No, I am not a do gooder, nor an social activist nor a self proclaimed caretaker of truth and justice.
Devious
No, I do not strive for righteousness. Not yet.
No, I dont look for justice either. I have seen enough of the world's judiciary systems to believe in it anymore.
Unfair
No, I am not prepared to give any sacrifices for your wellbeing. Sorry about that.
Rude
But I have priorities. Priorities that I serve with utmost dedication. Some selfish ones, most experimental ones and very few ...that I save for others.
Messed up
That's what I am..
A couple of truths and maybe half a lie in between. Heh..
Later..
.
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I have been walking. Alongside is my shadow. Been on this one track path for far too long now. The track, the path which I think is right. I dont know, if it is or it isnt.
Why should they care. But it is time, I took a new turn, change my path. It is time for a turn.
If I was on the right side already. Where should I turn to. To the wrong side?
Or is there another path in between. The left maybe?
Dont bother. It's alright. I will do what must be done.
Now, where is that coin. Time to do a toss.
Heads you win,
tails I lose.
Later..
.
The speaking tree says this.
O you, the one
blessed with the black heart. All your heartfelt wishes shall be
granted. But granted they shall be, by the devil.
If you so wish for yourself, you shall be cursed.
Even
today when I look back at times past, I always have tried so hard not
to wish for anything, not to expect. It comes true always, but the
devil gives nothing for free, sigh*
I try hard to suppress my wishes, my dreams. But sometimes, I am just not in time to ...
yes, I persist, persist I do. But..even
Persistence needs assurance.
An assurance of a tomorrow. No, I dont want it to be bright or cheerful. Just another day tomorrow. Another day to live and to wish for a day after.
And another day after, and another.
Until a certain fairy tale comes true.
Just until then.
Later..
.
Hmm, almost everyone loves window shopping. I am not everyone
There is always something that catches ones imagination.
Perhaps a long lost fantasy.
Perhaps a nightmare you wanted to relive.
________________________________________________________Whatever
Then we start saving for it. I am not we,
Finally we think we have enough to buy it. Think again.
Suddenly you find your fantasy is not for sale.
Your riches are useless. Reality hits you. Hard. Heh
Some days later you will realize. Realize it was never for sale. It never will be.
Your fantasy. Your imagination. Your nightmare. It was always yours.
Later..
The winds have came and gone. They tried to blow me away. But I think I survived.
No, I am not talking about any cyclone or tornado.
[But yeah, I have faced that too.] [Hmm, speaking of which, have also faced lightning storms, 50^C summers, endless ridicule of classmates, obnoxious teachers]
Still, I stand. Dont know for how long, but yeah, my knees are shaking. Kind of.
Did you notice?
Never mind. I am just rambling, for those who dont know me and maybe not for those who do know me.
I repeat, never mind.
__________________
I walk the world* not as if I rule it. Rather,
I walk on this world as if I dont care who rules it.
*Kicks a pebble away..*
Later.
Heh, back again are you.
Never mind, I am just as much as of an eediot to write stuff and you are to read it. Anyways.
The city has grown colder. yes, I know it's winter. It's december.
It's My december. Yes, it's cold and I just love it this way.
Riding through the city, I never seemed to like anything on the roadsides, The buildings, nor the pavement and least of all, the crowd. Suddenly, A billboard caught my eye. It showed some toothy model displaying how much happiness could she spill at the director's call. Repulsing.
But no, my eye was caught on to something else. Something behind the board now. A flight of stairs leading to the roof. Making a U turn I made for the building. It was some second class building with shops at various floors. Shops with bulb eyes shopkeepers, lecherous helpers leering at the girls.
Holding my breath, I moved on ignoring the graffitied walls and the smelly corners. I climbed one floor more.
An old office of sorts was closing down. The watchman gave a second look, but without a second thought moved out.
Third floor. A cheap lodge materialized, sleepy eyed receptionists waited on no one in particular.
Fourth, a restaurant came into view now. The food department would definitely ask some questions if it saw this place.
Fifth, a shuttered door. And the Sixth, it was a floor still under construction. The wide open windows were letting it strong winds. December winds. I walked up to one. Took in a lungful and hoped it would last my journey.
A final flight of stairs, round which most probably a closed door would be expecting me. Nevertheless, I climbed them in silence and darkness with nothing to guide me except perhaps my will to meet my dead end.
Funnily, there was none. Neither a dead end nor a door.
I walked out on to a medium sized terrace. The december winds in full flow.I shrugged my shoulders.And hugged them. I walked to the edge of the roof savouring every second of my minor luck.
I looked down, there were people rushing, vehicles honking. Somehow I did not seem to mind them.
I looked up. There were no stars, no moon. No light. The buildings made a zig zag skyline. I looked ahead and saw lights. Bright and dim. The city was alive. Then I looked inside. The city there was dead.
Heh.Never mind.
I sat down on the stairs I had my eye on. For an hour, for a few minutes more. Time to go down.
I had a fleeting urge to have a bungee jump experience on my way down, discarding it for another day, I took the lift to the ground floor.
Later..
Since the beginning of this year..there was a ghost living in me. No, I
was not taken...rather I hid this particular one inside me.
When she died, I took whatever left of it and hid it in the safest
place I could find. Inside myself. The ghost has remained there ever
since, even though I had forgotten , Months have passed and yet...
A
few days back, suddenly I realized all I had been doing was trying to
fulfil its ambition and dreams. Trying to live the unfulfilled life of
the ghost..darn. It was a horrid day for me. But somehow I seemed to
like it. Afterall, I was doing something for someone in me..if not
myself.
Heh, no wonder I hate all of you. My ghost consumes all my love, my care, my affection. No, I cannot love anyone.
Forgive me.
Later..
Hmm.
I am not friendship material. Although I tell this to everyone, no one agrees with me for long. Eediots. They say you have your own rules for a relationship, maybe your own ideas.
Heh, it sounds funny when you have those who make you their friends while you are yet to make them yours. Hmm...I wonder sometimes. Is it that I miss them?
Or am I just the plain outkast* sitting in the corner. Always*
I have no idea except that there are lingering images of old times that float by in my mind, they keep me from moving out of myself again. It seems over time, I have grown to love this bubble I live in.
Should I stop living in the bubble. I ask myself. They ask me too..if I am too afraid to make a friend again ?
Later..
They will get the answer who have asked for it. Soon enough, I hope.
Having come this far, although not much is left to be said, still some things remain to be clarified. At least there are some others who think so.
Although I chant sorry at the slightest fault of mine, I never say sorry to myself. Hmm, yes another truth about me. I know hardly anyone reads or cares about me.
What did you think?
You dont believe me right. I dont either.
and the reason why..well it is quite simple actually. I dont regret my actions, or maybe I am so afraid of regretting them once that I might face a mountain of depression. My count of sins goes into tens of thousands.
Never mind. You have your lives to live and I have mine to endure.
Later..
