18 posts tagged “makyubex”

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If it's day I see red blood vessels on my eyelids. I can see my blood. It's red. It's full of warm hate. It's flowing. And if it's dark, I can see nothing. Yet, I can hear things. Lots of things, noises. Shouts, whispers, sighs. It rises and rises, until the noise reaches a crescendo. A crescendo of chaos, of mayhem. And I feel at home, just for a moment.

This calmness you see, it's fake. It is just at face value. It's the other side of everything you know. The nothingness is what fills my mind. It's all around. Disguised as dark clouds, as the thunder. The thunder that calms everything. The overpowering, the overbearing clouds loom large. And after the rain has fallen, and the tears have cleared your heart, there is just silence. Wet, fresh, and clean. Thankfully, I am all alone. I wish to savour this moment of calm alone.

It's mine. Mine alone. And I wont let you follow. Let me be me.

Later.

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Hmm. Why are you reading this ?

Do you have any idea how much I hate you. I expect all your smiles to disappear. And may your tears crystallize on your cheeks to remind you of your pains. May you pine away for your beloved. May you never meet your love. I hope you confuse lust for love. And then realize it when its too late. And someday you will yearn to die, and look up to the heavens to be killed. Only you will keep living.

When I ride through the streets and I see people. I can always find things I can hate about them. Its becoming easier now. Practice makes perfect. And so I continue to hate. And I shall continue to hate you too if it helps me survive. Maybe this way I will have a less happy life, but it will be my life. My unhappy life free from the weaknesses of you puny living beings. I want to experience pure evil. Someday I am certain I will. I just have to hang on to. Hang on to my precious hatred.

Its not right. That's what she said. That what you would say. But I need to hate. Its all that's keeping me alive. Yea..
I consume hate to stay alive. Why do I have to hate everyone. Is it necessary. She asked. Yes, it is necessary. And why? She asked. I can't risk falling in love with everyone. I cant risk falling in love with anyone.

Again. She asked.

And I did not answer.

Later.

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And they said, take care.

I will take care not to care.
I will take care not to make a fool of myself.
I will take care I don’t lose my head again.
I will take care not to fall in love.
I will take care I don’t mess up my life.
I will take care I don’t break any rules.
I will take care I become a goody two shoes.
I will take care that I won’t remain so for long.
I will take care I don’t reveal your secrets.
I will take care I don’t smile for too long.
I will take care I don’t hurt you again.
I will take care I don’t sleep on my face.
I will take care not to get caught while I steal cookies.
I will take care I don’t put out the moon at night.
I will take care that I remain alive until you can meet me again and say take care.

And they still say, take care

Later..

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Nightmare vampire

The clock blinked 7:02 solemnly. Looked as if it was grinning and rejoicing over its victorious moment of having woken me up in record time. Dragging myself to the bathroom, I almost tripped twice over the variety of junk that adorned every square inch of the room floor. As I finally look into the bathroom mirror, I try to make some sense of Buddha saying, "There is god in every one of us. we just need to open our mind and hear its wisdom."

God or no God, all I could see was a bleary eyed 28 year old man with a  day old stubble. Enough time wasted already,time to get started.

Realizations and philosophies are a pain. Also time used pondering over those things is as good as wasted. Yet, there are always those who think, who force you to think over things. Anyways, I spent more than enough of my time thinking in my younger years. No more. Even so, bad habits die hard. And so everyday I meet at least half a dozen such thinker thoughts.  Today started off with Buddha, I wonder what else was in store today.

Scouring my room, I found my socks -which dont stink like some other peoples' do-, some clean clothes, the laptop which blinked idly and the cellphone. Hmm. I toss the cellphone back under the bed. I wont be needing that, -I hate cellphones-. I checked my wrist watch. It said 12 noon. As always. I wrapped it around my wrist, without a second thought.

"Why dont you wear a wrist watch? How do you get about without knowing what time it is. You dont carry your cellphone either.Keep at least one of them on you at all times." And so I religiously wear my wrist watch so as not to incur the wrath of the director. It was another story altogether that the battery died an year back.

Finally before dashing out of the hellhole, I glance at the bedside clock. it says  8:05. I blow it a kiss and close the door behind. As I race the elevator to the ground floor, a plethora of smells and sights tingle and tease my senses.
Someone ordered an extra cheese pizza. I could feel my repulsed senses. -I hate cheese in any form-. the kids on the 2nd floor were having a fight. The maid was fighting with the house lady on the first floor. The race invariably ended in a draw.Everyday.

"Something that happens once, may not happen again, but anything that happens twice will definitely happen a third time." Rushing out of the lobby, I wink at the guard at the door. Nice chap, always lets me in and out at the most wrong times during my night outs. Running out into the parking lot, I take a few seconds out to notice the weather. Hmm. Nice weather. Ashutosh would definitely say, "The weather is perfect for lovebirds". I pat on my pockets in search of the keys. Ah, jackpot. I retrieve the solitary key from  the rear pocket dangling to a key chain that proclaimed, "M".

"M?? Why does your keychain say M? There aren't any Ms in your name, or your mom's name or girlfriends name. Wait a sec, you dont have a girlfriend." I drag my vehicle onto the driveway. It looks dirty and woebegone, but it is one bitch of a bike. Never lets me down. I keep it tuned up to max, at all times. I love it as  every other bike I ever owned. "The outside didnt tell much about its inside." I gun its engine to life and takeoff. Usually, I engage in a couple of road rage[ce]s on the way, but today the weather was too fine to spoil the mood of those kids. Your lucky day punks

 Lucky day. "As far as I know, there are only 7 calendar days in a  week. And as far as my education tells me, there is no day called lucky day among them. Neither is there anything called unlucky day." Never mind.

As I idle my monster bike into the parking lot of the office, I can almost feel the shivering of the tiny bikes parked alongside. Heh, gives me a thrill. Somehow, the good mood has lasted long today. Am already at office and still. Let's see.  I punch the elevator button which said 6. The stupid elevator tune started playing. It was so darn irritating. One of these days, I am going to rip that darn thing of its sockets. Well, the last time I did it. Its been quite a while.  At least 4 years ago.

Ah..How time flies. "And how we fly along with time" And how we cherish some memories." And how we want to forget some of them."

Reluctantly I clean everything off my mind and focus on my cluttered desk. I search for any new mails, memos or any other such shytty docs. Finding none, I  fling myself onto the chair and wake the laptop from its 'sleep' and start checking for any mails. My inboxes and hard disks were everyone's envy in office. Everything effectively organized and indexed. Much unlike my desk. As they said, there is more than a  fine line of difference between my desk and 'desktop'. I plug in my headphones, and hit play. "Dont tell me- Hoobastank" scrolls across the screen. Old song, yet hmm. I kill the nostalgic feelings that tried to surface and close my eyes. To relax. Suddenly the phone on the desk comes to life.

What the hell, I curse Graham Bell as I arch my spine to reach the phone.

"Hello"

"Yes, hello"

"May I speak to Makyubex ?"

"Excuse me?"

"I said, may I please speak to Makyubex please"

"Sorry, wrong number ma'm"

"But..but"

I replace the receiver on the stand. On second thought I remove it again and place it on the desk.I press the next button on my laptop, and it starts playing "please forgive me-bryan adams". As the screen fades into darkness, I smile. A content smile. And then..

Beep Beep ....beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeee...the last beep was choked midway as I hit the snooze button. I look at the time. 7:02 it says. Time for college.

                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                  Nightmare's over.

Later

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Time to..

Its time to..

Black rose

Its time to stop.

Had been humming a melancholic tune of my own coursing the path of life, downhill mostly. Its already past time. I should have stopped already.

I forgot how the rain feels. Cold or calm.

The soothing wind on my face almost forgotten as well. Agile and naughty.

The smell of the roses, an unknown memory . Playful and sensuous

I need a time out. Just to stop and just stare. And maybe dream. Maybe smell. Maybe feel. Perhaps to taste the sweet lies of life.

And for once not to think about things. How they might be.
And how they might not.

So is anyone coming with me..as I stop to smell the roses again..

Later.

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Sometimes.

Wish-fool

Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

Sometimes I wish to walk down the winding road with you.

And alone sometimes.

Sometimes I wish to forget myself.

Sometimes I wish I could forget my mistakes.

Sometimes I really wish I could regret.

Sometimes I wish I could run away.

I wish I knew you. At least Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I could fall in love.

And Sometimes I wish all your wishes came true.

Sometimes I wish I could never wish again.

Later.

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Hmm, but to take things in ones stride and to to move along with the flow are two different things. It is as simple as doing what decide to do or doing what is decided for you.

More like, its a point of ones individuality. If one know what one does is not exactly what he wants to do. Your self will always tell you, hint you in its own subtle ways, but not all are in time to read them.

They are unlucky. The flow is enjoyable, while it lasts. It does not require thoughts or decisions or risks. It is only when the flow stops, that you find yourself.

Find yourself to be lost that is.

Heh.

Later.

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A part of a system. - You are a citizen, a community member, a gang member, a college student, a family person.

 A piece of the puzzle- The last guy to turn up at parties, The only guy not to drink at the bar. The first guy to run out of the classroom. The first to smirk and the last to laugh. The only guy without a number to call.

Caught In the middle.

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There is something that curtails the beginning of anything
new.

f.e.A.r

What if I fall. What if I fail. What if I get lost. What if I find its more than I can take.

But then. I ask myself.

What if I don't. What if its not.

Never let your f.e.A.r.s stop you from walking on clouds, dreaming or choosing to love or moving into a world of your own with your someone.

And one last thing...once you do start, just don't stOp.

....Heh.

Later.

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• Sometimes it so happens that we care and we forget to care further on

• It so happens sometimes you are unable to understand me, but I don't understand how you expect me to understand you every time too.
  

• It is strange, but we try and then somehow forget to try harder.

• At times we just debate who is right and at times I just wish,                        that I lose to you.
  

Later.