Great.
I flunked land-law. That means I'm definitely failing history. Consti was always a sure thing.
Gah!!!
Three repeats once again!
*sigh*
These hols have not been nearly as long as they should have been. I don't wanna go back. Its not that I hate Law school. I just don't want to spend more time there. Then again, I don't have any other place to go. No wait. That has to be rephrased. I don't have any other place I want to go. Not anyplace define-able anyhow.
Dad left for some place today morning. He'll be back only after I've left, so I said goodbye. He said I had been "good" these hols. Whatever that means. But yeah, I do kinda get it. I have been 'good' these hols.
Spent lot of time at home. Gave the dog a bath. Filled water. Spent an entire day at the mall with my parents. There were really very few loud arguments. Ran errands (without much complaining). Didn't go out to meet 'friends' too often. Played cards almost every night with the family. Pretended to study.... You get the picture...
But what bugs me is, for some strange reason, I did all of it with a vague sense of finality. Like I was sure I wouldn't have this chance again. I dunno why... It doesn't exactly scare me or upset me. Just feels like its a fact half of me always knew and the other half quietly accepted. It's like I was just building memories. You know, 'perfect' happy moments mom n dad can always look back on. Hell, I think I'm also doing it for me. And I guess that means that a decision has been made again...
and once more, I am the last to know...
Its almost time to head back.
Damn it.
This positively sucks.
*pause*
*giggles*
Positively sucks???
hehe...
]]>Hello
my name is Pyratic .
by nite ..
Jason by day ..
a name hardly matters ..
i couldn't control myself from writing what i have shortly here after ..
i take pride to go where no one can possibly dream of ..
to the very depths.
All of life's modules need to be followed / gotten over with / endured / sustained ..
i know i know .. as of each time ..
this post will obviously be a bouncer for everyone .. don't forget .. this is me .. you can't get anymore lower than this.
"stuff" needs to be given another chance ..
as i keep repeating to myself . The thesis for this springs from incidences .. daily and routinely
I always stress on alma mater pertaining .. i care for you / want to see you happy / want a bright future .. yada yada
it's absolutely bullshit .
yea can't help being me.
I can safely go to the extent of declaring "things i do/imagine/feel/think never categorize as sane"
and that there has never existed a person who i can proclaim the mantle for causing a ripple in the tiniest at all in my umm .. should i call it life ?
I play with time .. "waste" it as others righteously label me when i "utilize" it for things i admire .
I have fits of normality .. don't last too long to which i am eternally grateful.
I have the freakish ability to leech every piece of information i want about a subject that interests me ..
please don't picture the subject as books , girls and the lot ..
In reality .. i have never shown the slightest indication of rage ..
Read the sentence properly and then frame questions regarding its legibility .
I've bleed more times than you can count .. and i don't hate it .. nothing like the smell of red crimson on a dark night.
I've hardly picked fights cause i thought fighting is primitive .. Murders on the other hand can change the scenery .. and im all hand on for murder
provided i find a right candidate .. most unlikely .. refer to point indicating to rage in normal life just above ..
The problem doesn't stem as i can't get angry .. any person can ..
Im addicted to rage .. if you suppress it .. keep it stored forever .. you can enrage your mind and your heart .. with a straight face .. anytime .. anywhere
The adrenaline flows through your veins .. you start to picture scenarios you normally couldn't ever dream of .
For me .. i can safely term it life .
Finally i don't lie .. If you look properly in a framed line .. it can contain a cypher .. sometimes not .
its the way you look to find the meaning out of a sentence ..
All i can say is ..
I can't help being myself
me ..
Pyratic by nite ..
Jason by dawn ..
you don't want me...
Never did.
She turned around again, confused.
Left? or Right?
Up? or Down?
Here? Or There?
Shaking her head, she straightened up.
"This won't do!" she declared, to no one in particular.
"I must pick a direction!"
So, she closed her eyes and spun in a little circle with her right hand outstretched.
She opened her eyes to see she was lookng at a dark forest.
"A dream!" she beamed.
A Bunny Rabbit hopped in the distance.
Maybe I'm dreaming of Alice in Wonderland.
All that spinning had made her dizzy so she lay down for a while...
But when she woke up, she heard voices.
Sitting up, she saw people were all around her; playing with the animals, swimming in the sea, sunbathing.
She shook her head sadly and got up to leave.
"Won't you stay?" asked the little blue eyed boy
She smiled at him and closed her eyes, spinning again.
Maybe she would just wake up this time...
But it was always a dream.
She never woke up
And she always had to leave...
]]>She looked up at the streetlight.
It seemed to shine into her soul.
Giggling softly, she tried pushing the beam away, but it didn't move.
She glared at it for a while and then slowly stepped out of its range.
Twirling, she laughed, and a lone star twinkled in the distant night sky.
She took a few steps forward, still smiling, and then froze, trying to remember why she was here.
She stood still for a long time.
At the center of the crossing.
The traffic lights fascinated her, especially when they changed colors.
Colors.
She liked colors.
Didn't she?...
She blinked, and then started walking again.
It wasn't exactly a straight line, but it wasn't a drunken walk either.
She remembered she was supposed to look out for policemen, but she didn't remember why.
Was she supposed to go to them?
Hide from them?
Ask them something?
Run as fast as she could?
Confused, she lit a cigarette.
"Smoking. Always smoking." she scolded herself like she was supposed to.
No.
Wait.
Wasn't that someone else?
Another drag, and a silly smile lit her face.
And she twirled again, dark hair clashing with falling rain.
Her laughter echoed softly in empty alleys
and she went around in little circles till she couldn't breathe anymore.
Tired knees hit the wet grass as she collapsed...
and a sob escaped her throat.
"Why do you cry, fair child?" he asked
As he knelt beside the girl
"I only want my memory
Its lost somewhere in this world"
They searched far and wide, but the memory was truly lost.
And then one day, it was already time for frost
So she shooed him and his sparrows to summer
and he cursed at the maiden as she bid him farewell...
But she hates him not
neither does she love
She only needs her memories to build
her stairway to the heavens above...
Till she finds those run-away memories, she needs to make new ones
So...
She laughs at the streetlights
coz they remind her of the sun
and how it will eventually destroy her.
And that could be called a memory, couldn't it?
]]>Leave me alone...
Were those not your last words to me dear Sayuri?
They must have been.
I still remember that night you know...
It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.
I could have asked.
I should have said something.
Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!
Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.
And you smiled back.
Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?
That you cared enough to try and smile even though you were sad...
But I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you...
Still, as you walked away in that light rain
with the dark shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the night in your black dress...
I thought that there was still some chance we could fix the mess we had made.
Thought things were finally getting better...
I didn't say a word.
And the next morning they told me you were dead.
Wait a minute Sayuri darling.
Let me pour myself a drink. Its been too long.
And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!
Sorry, where was I?
I remember the day we spent at the beach
It seems like such a long long time ago
Akane was there too, along with him.
That was nice.
We laughed a lot, All of us.
Sang silly songs all the way there and back.
And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.
As if nothing had been broken.
Like you could not see the past anymore.
And I don't know if that hurt or helped.
But I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face
and I liked the black dress you wore...
like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...
Another drink Sayuri.
Just hold on.
No, I'm not drinking too much.
Just another shot...
You know what?
I wish I knew you before...
Before all the pills, and the drinking...
I know you'd be mad at me for saying this
I know you would say it would have been the same...
But would it have?
Maybe then you would have said you loved me
Maybe then I would have said the same...
Maybe I would have stopped by that night.
We wouldn't have had that stupid fight...
Do you remember that night?
I do.
I wish I didn't.
But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice...
And so, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.
I won't be able to forget the screaming
the thunder
the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b'day)
the yelling
the tears that filled up in your eyes - the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall...
I'll never forget the way you looked at me that night
The anger
the disbelief
and the pain...
Just leave me alone...
Want to know a secret?
It wasn't the screaming that made me leave...
It was that look.
Your words.
I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you...
and I realized I had.
Over and over,
So, I packed up my bags and left.
Didn't even kiss you goodbye.
Left you alone, with your "substances"
Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.
Didn't even offer to help.
Didn't call.
Didn't bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.
Didn't say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.
Didn't say anything when I saw the first bruise.
Didn't listen to the rumors...
I didn't know.
I didn't know he hurt you.
I didn't want to know.
So... I didn't.
I don't know why I smiled at you last night Sayuri.
Maybe I thought it was finally time.
Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.
But I didn't say a word...
Would things be different if I had spoken to you?
Would it have changed anything?
Would they still find your body in that bathtub?
I wonder what was the last thing you thought of...
Were you scared?
Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?
Did it hurt?
Leave me alone...
Those were your last words to me...
and I wish I had never listened...
]]>hey blog..
been a long time ne
had promised myself... that i'll stop with the rants.. the whines.. was working wasn't it..
this is not for u... for who i usually wrote on this.. this is not for u to read..
this is for me.. only me..
goodbye chibi..
goodbye..
im done..
ppl change u.. define u for urself..
lost my faith in the virtual now from ver its so easy to loose sight of sum1
ur real only ven i touch u.. otherwise just a name, a number and an email id.
i aint drowning in tears.. sumn which is surprising even me.. guess i'll just settle with punching the wall till i cant feel my hand..
i'll be fine.. just need to catch my breath
i'll be fine..
good night blog
So here I am.
"Back"
Every holiday, this place feels a little lesser like home...
and as every term begins, so does law school...
I don't know where to even try and belong anymore...
It has stopped being a matter of choosing, and become one of hoping that at least one of the two will work out...
Another trimester.
Over. Done with. Survived. Lived through.
I wanted this trimester to end. I hated so much of it.
And now it's over.
How do I feel?
I feel... lost for words.
I feel...
Inadequate.
Incomplete.
Like I've failed.
Cowardly.
Sad.
Tired
young
old
This trimester did teach me a lot. And I did a lot of things I never thought I would
- Read the book about Nehru
- Drank about 19 pitchers at Pecos
- Was invited to an AA meeting
- Went 11 days without a drop
- Spent a lot of time with myself
- Mailed Seth
- Finished the rpg that's been going on for over a year.
- Spoke to Zach very often
- Moved on
- Almost fell off the roof